Warning... gripe session ahead

I know, this is so not the right thing to do. BUT! I gotta get this off my chest or I'll scream. No one reads my posts anyway, so here goes...

Ira has been sick for a year. Well, it will officially be a year the end of October. His shoulder replacement was delayed in December because he was ill. Low white blood cell count, critically low iron count, critical iron absorption. What this means is, his iron was so low that his body could not even process iron, therefore it would only get worse.

We, yes, WE, went through six weeks of immune system building shots ($1,800 each) I say we, because I was scared out of my wits, he got 12 of them. They were like peanut butter being injected into his arm. And iron transfusions. He was terribly weak and unstable. Driving your husband to transfusions with chemo people sitting next to you is very depressing. He lost 28 pounds in one month and 16 pounds the following month. He NEVER stopped working. This man is amazing. He sat there in the recliners along with all of the other people getting transfusions of chemo and looked like a cancer patient with his bald head and napped. He was so weak and tired.

He is still weak and tired. Ira still works! But, unfortunately, that is pretty much all he does. He is able to get up in the morning, slowly, take his shower, dress, take McKenna to school. Goes to work, does his infinite amount of paperwork and phone call returning. Sometimes he comes home around 12:00, sleeps until 2:30. Goes and picks up McKenna. He insists on taking her and picking her up. If he is unable to take her to school and pick her up, he is REALLY unwell. He loves to take the kids to school and pick them up. It's his "thing" it's cute. After picking her up, he comes back home goes back to bed. I check his temperature often, pull blankets off (he always has them up to his nose when he has a fever which is constant at this point). Dispense Tylenol or pain medicine depending on what he needs. I remind him to drink. I feed him dinner, yes, I have to feed him, around 6:00. Help him change clothes because during dinner, for some reason his fever always breaks. Feed the kids dinner, clean the kitchen, check on Ira, pull of blankets. All this while keeping the kids in line, remember the ages of them???

The kids then have bath time, homework, some TV, usual hugging, kissing, cuddling, crying, book reading, yelling (by me) room cleaning... Why are the rooms ALWAYS such a mess??? Why does it bother me so much? I stress about what I am going to do with my children all day and the next because I have to work at 6:30. It is now unsafe for my children to be left at home with their dad while I am at work. I am barely hanging onto my job as it is.

McKenna, my darling, precious, is so responsible (except for the room part, I think we are all tired) and helps me out like a little mother/maid/nanny. She knows what to do and when, most of the time, and I would have slit my wrists about six months ago if it weren't for her. Yes, slit my wrists. Seems harsh, I know, please... I AM exaggerating. What can I say? I love her. She is growing up way too fast and worries about daddy. Even with all her maturedness I cannot leave her in charge while I am at work and daddy is sleeping in the other room. The other two do not mind her. Ira is so lethargic in the evening that he cannot even feed himself, how could he mind three children? Going to work takes everything out of him.

No one, other than the neighbor next door that has her grandchildren on the weekends has called me. I went through one whole month of not ONE phone call for me except the bill collector. I think the bill collector likes me, because he calls me all the time. I got depressed. Where are all of my friends? Does anyone care? I let the enemy run crazy in my mind.

I overheard someone describing me as "over dramatic when it comes to her problems". Really, heard her say it. I was eavesdropping. I guess that's why it's so not a good thing to do. I got my feelings hurt. So, I stopped going to church.

I'm lonely, I'm sick of cartoons, I miss people. I miss my husband. I miss me.

I emailed an old friend that now lives in Colorado. She is a singer and her music is so helpful to me. I was listening to her CD and praying, asking God forgiveness for my shortcomings, for being so fat when my husband can't eat. Fort being so tired when my husband can't stay awake.
She was so nice to email me back. I no sooner read the email when she called. She was depressed because her new house does not have a dishwasher. She has four kids. I said she had it worse and we laughed. We talked about Ira's health, she asked me what I was going to do if he died. No one had asked me that. I was too ashamed to admit that I had thought about it. I tried to make some plans in my head just in case, but was too ashamed and scared to really think them through. I knew this could happen to him someday, but didn't think it could be so soon.

I didn't really think he was dying until recently. This circulation rash all over him, it's scary to me. I worry that his heart will fail, that his kidneys will fail. That he is in pain.

I went to my Colorado friend's church that they used to attend here in Fort Worth. I haven't been to a church with a band in so long. It was kind of weird at first. There were people jumping up and down, singing, smiling, raised hands, praying to the "ceiling". Different than what we had been going to for the last four and a half years, well, intermittently lately. I sang, and praised God like I hadn't in so long. It felt so good to be in His presence.

The pastor spoke of community, how some of us are more upset about a pet dying than a neighbor's ill husband... I lost it. I started crying. I couldn't stop. I wasn't bawling, but I could have if I were at home. I kept trying to bite my lip. McLaine in my left arm reached up and touched my face. She crawled up and put her little thin arm around my neck and buried her head in my shoulder. She stayed there, patted my back, she held ME! It felt so nice. It made me want to cry even more. Because I hate what my kids are being dragged through.

I worry about missing something with them. I fell asleep reading to them the other night. Sad, to say, it was not the first time. IJ woke me up by shaking my chin, I looked down at him and he said, "Mommy, you sleep?" "Mommy, no, no," I finished the book.

I set my phone alarm for every three hours, I used to set it for three and a half but that didn't work as well. I set it to check on Ira. Usually within three hours of Tylenol his fever is back. I give him more Tylenol, something cold to drink, turn the fan on medium, pull off the covers from him again and go back to sleep, easily. Usually his fever stops around 4:00 am. He wakes up around 5:00. He feels better than he did last night, gets up, showers, shaves, wakes up McKenna, watches ESPN until she's ready for school. When he gets to work, that's usually when I get up with the other two. He used to call me, but he doesn't anymore. I miss him. I usually call him while the other two are eating lunch. I find out how his day is going and whether or not he will make it to 3:00 or if he's coming home "for lunch". That's what I call it. "Are you coming home for lunch?" I ask. What that means is, are you too tired to stay at work? "I made spaghetti" in code means, use the fact that you like spaghetti as an excuse to come home and have lunch so that you can go to bed. Which lately, is the right meal.

I just went back and read this to myself. It is pathetic, but I don't care anymore.

My mom's friend that is older than I am by about 15 years, lost her husband in a car accident 11 years ago. Their son was the same age as IJ at the time. Ronnie did not die right away. I remember at one point, I was in the room with them, before they took him off of the machines. His head was grotesquely swollen as he lay there unconscious. He could not hear her, talk to her, see her. It was so sad, the things she said to him, the things she wanted him to know. The things she wished he could say to her...
She told me to go home and make love to my husband. It broke my heart to hear her say this. I felt so sorry for her. I thought of what she meant of the request in a physical way. That what she meant was that she was going to miss him in that way most, what can I say? I was a newlywed at the time of his accident. But unfortunately now, I know what she meant.