Something That Rocks!!!

Let me catch you up on a bit but stay with me, it does get better!

I was in a place of emotional and physical struggle for quite some time. The overwhelming feelings were, well... overwhelming. It was depressing to be depressed if you know what I mean. But the Lord is showing me new things and telling me good things and He/it is good!

Since Ira's illness, forced retirement, seizure illness (Group B Strep Meningitis), healing, our economic changes, all that that ensues and well, life... it was accepted by "myself" to be depressed. I made it okay. I didn't like it, but it was "allowed" by me. I was giving myself some what I thought was time. I allowed myself to slow down, get a grip, chill. And then came the ultimate vegetation. For me this was the set up for depression. I thought I was owed some time off and subsequently forgot that I am and always have been a mover and a shaker.

I have struggled with depression before but in the after-delivering-a-baby-style or fashion. Let me just preface by saying, if you haven't been depressed than you most likely have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't mean that in a mean way, I promise. I also think there is a big difference between living with someone that is depressed and being the depressed person. But if you, unfortunately, have dealt with depression, than you KNOW what I mean. It's just one of those things that is so hard to describe, watch, understand and come out of.

I have came out of depression before. When my children were born I went the medicine route because, well, it was bad. Unfortunately this time for about three years, I have struggled in the day-to-day. I didn't allow myself to get medical help because I KNEW it was spiritual. It is like a slow death. I forgot who I was, stayed away from friends and then subsequently lost friends. Said hurtful things to others, lost others and suffered, suffered... suffered. I reached out and unfortunately those that could, ran. I was a pathetic, lonely, bitter, sad, frustrated, grudge-holding, pretending little girl. I felt trapped in a body I didn't recognize or want; I hated myself. This is where it got scary for me.

I didn't like myself for long time and then started to not care about or for myself and then ultimately came to a place of hating myself. THAT was my dark and secret struggle. And it was depressing. For me, having depression and then going there was living in the company of Satan. Too harsh for you?

But my friends, the Lord is good. And THIS is WHAT ROCKS!!!

He gave me of a vision of MYSELF. I saw myself working for and in through the Lord. It was my hope and prayer for myself. But He took the time to lovingly show me and put me there. I felt the depression leave me. The anger, the pain - all of it - emotional, spiritual, physical just LEFT. I felt hope rise in me. All the time while He was telling me, "Receive This", "I am here", "I am close", "I have been waiting for you", "Receive Me"! Pretty heavy duty stuff, wouldn't you agree?

The first thing I asked from Him after He showed me myself was "how do I not lose this? How do I stay near You?" Well, He answered that prayer as well. I was immediately put in a place where there was opportunity to join a generational healing class. It has been life changing to say the LEAST! I am in a new place, a new walk, and I hear Him ALL of the time. He has given me vision after vision after vision. Word after word and has continually told me He loves me and has more for me.

Oh! MY Lord is GOOD!

He has awakened me in the middle of the night to pray for people. He has given me a song of joy EVERY MORNING that I awake to and OR a person specifically is placed on my heart to pray for. I am still amazed that He trusts me. He even specifically told me that I am not making this up. LOL! He knows me so well... And to the Glory of God have received confirmation after confirmation. I can't help but get emotional when I think about His goodness!!!

I have tried so hard to be obedient in this to stay close and to listen. He has helped me and prepared me and it... is.... WORKING!!! He tells me when I proclaim how wonderful He is that He has been waiting on me for a long time. It feels so good to be wanted, doesn't it?

He healed me from my self hatred. Restored my soul and has given me a new story. He gave me specific people to ask to mentor me... and they said YES! When I used to complain to myself about myself I now have love in my heart for myself and where I felt unwanted and unusable or unworthy He has given me work in my mind for Him. He is my rock and HE ROCKS!!!

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."