RED

I love red. It is my favorite color. Is it possible to have too much red in your house? I will be the one to find that out. We have a red kitchen complete with a red cordless phone and "OU" cookie jar which is white with a red "OU". We got it in Norman when Ira and I took the kids "across the red river". It was the two little one's first time to see the University and the places that daddy likes to go to when he travels up for games. I want to paint our bedroom red. Not the bright red that our kitchen is but a "brick" red if you will. I've seen it in other houses. It's pretty, too.

I don't know why I like red so much. Well, that's not true. I do know why. I was copying someone else who loved red. It was my older sister whom I admire a lot. When I was about 13 I learned that red was her favorite color and then I realized that I did not have a favorite color. I liked red, so I proclaimed it as my favorite color, too.

When I think of red I always think of my older sister. I grew to love red on my own but at the time when I made the decision it was because I wanted to be like my older sister. We both grew up without our father in the picture and she was such an inspiration to me. She is fun, smart, has drive and energy. She also does not have a lot of the baggage of not having our dad around that I seemed to have. I remember thinking one time, after spending some time with her and her friends, that I wanted to be like her. She reminded me of our dad, the good parts about our dad. I carry shame of being a lot like my dad and I thought to myself she is like him, too. It kind of gave me permission to accept parts of me that I didn't know what to do with.

I love red, the color. It's bright, it's fun, it's loud, it's warm. But I think about my dad when I think about red. I can't help but make that connection. Now that I am older I think of OU football more than I think of my dad. I can thank my husband for that connection. It is a connection that I like. Don't get me wrong, I like my dad. I just miss him and don't know how to feel about him. My oldest daughter went through the phase that I am now going through with my younger daughter. The, "where is gramma's husband" phase. I don't want to lie to them but I don't want them to be hurt by his absence either. My oldest has just recently asked me if he knows about her. I told her he does. She asked the question that hurt me to hear her ask. Why doesn't he want to see me? I asked myself that question one hundred million times, too.
It makes me see red.

I'm no longer mad at him. I am sorry to say that I feel sorry for him. He too, has his own baggage that I can only now as an adult comprehend or understand. I understand the term "generational curse" all too well. I pray for him. When I feel sorry for myself sometimes about things I think about how he must feel about himself. My mom and stepmom say that he is unable to feel guilt but I don't believe that. They don't say it in a hateful way. They say it in a way of understanding. To help me understand. I know he loves us (my siblings and I) but I really don't think he knows how to be loved in return. Doesn't know how to be loving. That is so sad to me. When I think of sad I think of mauve. That's in the red family.

Red, now, reminds me of the Jesus' blood. It's comforting to me, forgiving, loving, kind. It has taken work to come to this place, I won't lie to you. It has not been a fun journey. But I am glad I know now what I didn't know then. It makes me grateful. I am glad that when I think of red I remember my dad. I know now the importance of forgiveness. It's because of Jesus' red blood shed for me. If God can forgive me for my sins and yes, there were some biggies, I can forgive my dad. Once I was able to TRULY forgive him I gained understanding, some ground if you will. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I'm blessed in spite of, because of, in the midst of for the purpose of.

I also like pink. That's why picked out this format for my blog. It was the closest to red and I do really like pink. For example, I just got some new sneakers. I got them at Famous Footwear. I tried on about ten pair of shoes determined to find the ones that were most comfortable. I finally found some that were comfortable but they were teal. Not my favorite color. They did not have red. I tried on every red shoe that I could find and none of them were comfortable. So I decided to ask if they came in any other color other than the teal I had on. They did! They came in pink. They did not have my size in the store so they mailed them to me. We just got them in the mail today. They are some cool hot pink Adidas. Do you know what my daughter just said?
"Those are just like Neenaw's."

My youngest sister. Now what the heck does that mean?