Born Again, Again

I cannot contain my excitement!

McKenna is getting baptized on Sunday! She told me yesterday. I called the church offices and made arrangements. They had announced in church last Sunday that if you were interested they were doing them on Easter Sunday. The memories ran through my mind of when I was baptized at seven years of age on Easter Sunday at Emanuel Baptist Church in Abilene, Texas.

My grandparents drove into Abilene from Fort Worth for the event. I knew exactly what I was doing. I felt my heart swell with love and excitement for Jesus. I was sure. I was going to be reborn. Jesus was going to live in MY heart. I had thoughts of a little Jesus in my little heart. I knew, of course what it meant. Him living in my heart. But I would think of images of Him actually there, living in my heart, too.

My grandfather recorded the baptism on this new machine called a video camera. It was a huge contraption that sat on his shoulder and hummed as he covered his left eye with his left hand.

I remember my baptism like it was just the other day. I wore a white polyester gown with a huge lace collar over some shorts and a t-shirt. The water was deep. It was cold. When I stepped into the font, my foot slipped and my pastor held me up with his one hand. I was so scared but still so sure. I wondered if I would feel different when I got out of the water. The piano lady asked what hymn I wanted to play after the baptism and I chose How Great Thou Art because every time I heard it, I'd cry. It moves me still this day.

I was seven. The next year my whole life changed forever. Eventually, after much personal expense due to circumstances beyond my control, my mother, my sister and I were in Fort Worth when I was 12 years old. The next two years were the worst for me. Then I met Ira, I was 14. I knew that I was going to marry him. I knew that from the Lord.

But then, "me" happened...

I am not proud to say this and it was in NO WAY because of Ira, but at the age of 19, in my infinite wisdom (not) I was far away and running from God. I never thought I would be away from Him. But I was. I also never thought I would be away from Ira, but I was. I made horrible, horrible choices and huge mistakes for the next two years in my life. The worst was being baptized a Mormon.

Yep, I said Mormon.

I really thought I was doing the right thing. Without going into details I will say this... "They" DO NOT tell you everything BEFORE you join "the church" and tell you even less once you join.

I went away to school in Utah. Thinking my life would be better. It wasn't. I was so lost. I fell for the idea of a "forever family" and the "heavenly father" they spoke of. The enemy knows where to hit you hard.

While I was living my lies in Provo, one day, Ira called me. I was living in an apartment with three other college girls I didn't know. Well, one I thought I knew, but only after we got to Utah we realized we were WAY different from each other. Anyway, Ira called me. We talked for about four hours on the phone. I came back home to Texas two weeks later.

He took me to church. I was scared because I realized I had really, really, REALLY messed up. I never went back to the Latter Day Saints church again. Even to this day when I drive by the place, I get the creeps.

I went on to marry Ira, obviously, and we have our family now. We were going to church at Alta Mesa when one day while reading Psalms I had an overwhelming need/thought that I needed to be baptized. I felt as if I was living dirty, still, after all these years. I overwhelmingly felt dirty and separated from God. I was stressed in the thought of it and confused. I got information from friends that had also left Mormonism and asked lots of questions. The next day I called Danny Sims, my pastor at Alta Mesa and asked him what I should do. I was embarrassed to even tell him that I had been a Mormon in the past. I remember my mouth being dry when trying to tell him.

He told me that it wasn't necessary to be baptized again unless I felt like I needed to. He told me to pray about it and he would be available whatever I decided. I don't know when I called him back but I think it was the same day. I wanted to be baptized again. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like I wanted to wash myself off of myself. And wash my past from myself . Be new in Christ and away from Mormonism in a spiritual and physical way.

So, we set a date (I think it was the next day) and he met me, secretly because I was so embarrassed, at Alta Mesa. Suzanne, his sweet wife, came and asked if I minded. She was so excited for me. I was so completely overwhelmed with guilt and confusion that it was stealing my joy. When I saw her excitement and she hugged me, it was gone. I felt forgiveness in my heart for the first time regarding my Mormonism. It wasn't God I was waiting on for forgiveness because I had already asked and of course He did. But it was my own condemnation. Which can be pretty, well, you know... yucky.

And then when Suzanne realized I didn't bring a camera she went back to their house and got theirs. She took pictures and emailed them to me.

It was spontaneous but necessary, I don't even remember the date. That is totally NOT in my nature. But memorable just the same.

Born again, again. In front of my husband and my children. Suzanne a witness.